Synergistic Lemons

"The synergistic action of the botanical lemon complex serves as a protective barrier against atmospheric pollutants." The scary thing is, I have memorized this phrase. Every morning, when I take a shower, my wife's conditioner is right in front of my face, and the advertising blurb on the back always jumps out at me. And since I am only half awake, my brain always goes through the same questions. What are the lemons synergizing with? The only lemons I have ever seen on trees don't seem to be active enough to get any synergy. Maybe it's the lemon juice that is synergizing?

I'm glad to hear that they are using a botanical lemon complex. Heaven forbid if they were to use any non-botanical lemons. I bet that other shampoo companies and lemonade companies use those terrible non-botanical lemons. Are they cyborg lemons? Wait - maybe I'm misunderstanding those brilliant shampoo technical writers (is that a career?). Maybe they mean that their lemons were grown in a botanical park, like Foster Botanical Gardens in Honolulu. Everyone else's lemons come from pathetic lemon orchards.

And why is it a lemon complex? Is this like the military-industrial complex that Truman (or was it Eisenhower) warned us about? Should I be concerned about an arms race in my wife's hair? Or are we talking about a Freudian complex, in which case I should have more serious concerns about my wife's hair?

I'm glad to hear that the shampoo makers have finally found a way to protect us from pollution. This conditioner, I'm sure, will protect your hair from carbon monoxide, chlorofluorocarbons, asbestos fibers, sulfur emissions, dioxin, and bad breath. And because those shampoo makers are so careful, I am sure that they have thoroughly tested their claims using rigorous laboratory experiments (but they didn't test them on animals, I am happy to see on the label).

Clearly, the shampoo makers are on to a solution to global warming and that nasty hole in the ozone layer. All we have to do is smear a thick layer of my wife's hair conditioner over everything on earth, and then we won't need to worry about how much we pollute. The only problem is that my wife's conditioner bottle is getting low, and I don't know if Costco is still carrying this brand.

One final shampoo thought, and then I am done with my rant. If I ever start a shampoo company, it will have no lemon complex, botanical or otherwise. More importantly, it will be called "oodways shampoo." If you turn the bottle upside down, it will still read "oodways shampoo," if you're using a font where the y looks like an upside-down h. Go ahead, turn your screen upside down to test it. Don't tell me you're not impressed.